I Didn't See It Coming...

I found out that you are with his niece....

When my mom told me I started hyperventilating.

I just couldn't get a real breath.

I couldn't even think because I honestly did not see this coming.

I felt punched in the stomach so hard I couldn't think a thought.

All I saw in my mind was the black back of my eyelids..

And then the tears came.

I have cried literally every single day since then but these were hot, heavy tears that came from my soul.

I just collapsed and sobbed. 

My throat burned like I needed to cry but I already was.

I felt like I was dying, and that no matter how hard I cried and how much I begged God, no matter how loud I called I couldn't change things.

You weren't coming to hold me.

I collapsed because my legs couldn't support the weight that was in my heart

I laid on the floor and hit the ground and cried so hard.

There were pools of tears under me.

My contacts fell out.

I laid in my hallway, in a puddle of my own tears crying while you were with someone else. Starting something new.

My mom made me get in the car to go to the hospital because I couldn't breath. 

After I stood up the thoughts came.

Mental images of you holding and kissing something prettier, better, easier, different.

All while I was doing what he told me to do. Not give up.

"Give it 3 or so weeks. This isn't the end of this"

I remember every detail.

The whole way there I was crying so hard I was gagging so my mom called her friend and he talked me down to the point where I was breathing.

When I go to the hospital it was very cold. I was trembling.

A Hispanic family was talking but stopped until I walked past.

They called me back and put me in a room and asked me to put on a gown..

I started to but I just re-zipped my hoodie and curled up on the bed.

I let my mom talk.

I told them I wasn't suicidal so they chose not to admit me.

My Dr. came in.

I focused on her hands because I was crying.

She had red nails and a golden ring.

She had her hands folded and was holding a pen, they were relaxed.

She told me that she understood completely and I was OK to be this way.

"He was your person. He left you, and it's like he died. That isn't your fault"

Someone I had only nodded to and said at most 13 words described you as "my person"

....

I lost it again.

She left and a red headed nurse brought me a little white pill in a little clear cup and watched me take it. 

After he left my mom held me and I cried more. She told me I was beautiful .

The same nurse came in and took an x-ray of my forearm. It was fine.

My mom just kept holding and rocking me till the medicine kicked in.

I stopped crying and I could barely walk or see straight.

On the way to the Grabbes my mom turned on the radio, and without a commercial, "I love you more" came on. And even though I was doped up, they were exactly what my heart needed.

A love song from Jesus telling me that He loves me more than the stars he made before I was a twinkle..

Me, little, pathetic, self-loathing Willow, who can't see what good she is in the universe is loved by the creator of the entire universe.

I still cannot comprehend it.

But while I was literally in my darkest and broken, he stayed with me and played me a song to show, in a way that I would notice best, that He was in love with me.

I fell into bed and didn't dream.

~

When I woke up La was still asleep so I rolled over and slept for a few hours.

When I woke up it was dinner and Jay was making me caramel pie.

I went back to bed and woke up the next day with grandma giving me coffee.

I drank it, took another pill, and went back to sleep.

I slept till the kids came home from school and Tabby came over.

We watched movies and ate ice cream.

It made me think of the this evening when you brought me candy while I was playing my game.

You just walked up behind me and handed them to me. 

I smiled so sweet. I love gifts.

If I could go back, I would get up, kiss your hand and then go for a long walk with you to a place we hadn't walked to before.

~

I feel unloved and undesirable to everyone outside of my family.

No matter how hard I pray , no matter how hard I wish, nothing changes.

I read my bible every day, I only sing worship songs and whenever I stop I feel weak and self-conscious.

I feel utterly inadequate. Like a child, immature and undesirable.

I feel like no one wants me, that once again I am insufficient. That Other One was too easy to resist and I wasn't worth waiting for.

And now this new one is worth more than I am.

She gets you. You chase her and I sit here, left behind in the dust.

Alone and forgettable. 

Not worth walking in the snow to meet.

Not worth fighting for.

Every fucking night I wait and nothing changes.

You are NEVER there.