The way it is.

Today my best friend came over.

We rarely do anything significant, but somehow we manage to entertain ourselves.

She spent the last seven weeks being a councilor at a summer camp, and the week she had off we were both in bad moods so this summer has been pretty void of best friend fun.

Today she came over and we did what we usually do. Lolled about, leisurely chatting and intermittently out-bursting.

I made dinner and we went outside after. 

While we were outside, Erin asked if we ever got on our roof, and seeing how we have neither a window that leads out to it or a ladder, we haven't even thought to try.

So she took that on as a personal challenge. 

Laurel jumped on board on and they spent the next half hour trying to get on the roof.

Since we don't have a ladder they decided that a high-back bar chair and a five gallon paint bucket would suffice.

After they tried that a few times they realized that they needed to be a little taller so after they got on the bucket, they would step up into a hand hold and boost her up.

It eventually worked and have me a lot to laugh at.

Once they got Erin up, LA did the same thing, except, since Erin is about six inches taller than me, LA had to stand on my shoulders. 

Once they were up, I stood on Spencers shoulders and we were all up on the roof... with nowhere to move and nothing to do.

So we looked out and saw all our neighbors yards that we had never seen. Our neighbor behind us laughed and said it looked fun, but after all the work it took getting up there, all we really had to do was figure out how to get down...

When we were still on the ground I thought to check how high or was and knew we could jump down and be fine. But once we looked down from the top, it was a whole different angle.

It looked like we'd snap both our ankles if we jumped, so LA volunteered to go first since she had convinced us all to go up. But once she got over to the edge she wouldn't jump unless Spencer got us cushions.

The whole time Erin was getting more and more worked up. She was weak and slap happy from climbing and getting irritable with Spencer on the ground, and instead of being encouraging, he like any other teenage boy decided to pick on her.  It was all good natured but it made me notice how similar it was to regular life.. 

After thirty minutes of getting ready to jump and then chickening out Erin climbed over and then jumped off and was instantly silly and back to normal.

She survived the jump so LA mustered enough courage to jump and screamed like she was being made to walk the plank. 

I came down after and then we all laughed about having been scared to jump such a small distance..

When I think back on the whole thing, it makes me notice that that's how most of what we face really is. It's a small thing that when we're on the wrong side of looks so much more oppressive than it really is. But once we get out we look back and wonder why it was such a big obstacle.. 

I think people as individuals would have an easier time being empathetic if they could remember what we felt when we were the ones seeing our obstacle as something oppressive and frightening.

It makes me wonder what really changes in our hearts after we're down and see that it wasn't as bad as it seemed - what happens to make us so irritable with the ones that are struggling. 

I don't imagine many people are ever in that position and want someone to be impatient or harsh with them, or want to hear others comments about how it isn't as bad as it looks or that they'll be fine just get over it. 

I would much rather have someone give me the kindness of being patient and compassionate. Someone to encourage me but not dismiss my struggle..

But while the outsiders generally have room to improve, those struggling can be just as harsh..

It's embarrassing, but I know that I am apt to snap at people and be impatient with others and very negative when I am low or struggling...

Reflecting on it, I would say that just like anyone I am afraid to be vulnerable. And not of opening up and showing weakness, but of trusting another on a personal level, putting faith in someone else and being disregarded and left.

All my life it had been a struggle, and it is something that I'm sure I affect, but when it's all said and done there really must be something wrong with me if I repel people as well as I do. Someday I want to be the one that the person who doesn't have to defend me wants to defend..

It breaks my heart when I see other people who are struggling be so defensive and angry instead of letting themselves be supported and encouraged.. 

It makes me angrier still when I do it.. I want to be someone that is lovable, not grim and irritable.

But from my perspective I can't tell if it is that people who try to be supportive get taken advantage of and become jaded, or people being vulnerable get wounded and become hardened.

Is it one more than the other? or is it equal and the Lord is just working on so many hearts that people rarely meet with anyone worth  helping or letting in...

I know that God allows things to shape us and help us grow, and I know very well that we have free will, but why does it seem more often than not that " they're crazy" or "they were just manipulating me for what they needed". 

I've heard from people close to me that the last time they reached out to or for someone was going to be the last time they did it.

Not necessarily that they would never care about anyone again, or offer sympathy, but that they would never again invest themselves to a level of intimacy that they could be hurt again.

With every sleepless night and news bit and story I hear about someone I used to defend, my heart gets a little harder.. and that scares me, not that I am some saint, but I care. I care about people, I hate senseless violence and I crave justice. I love easily and I try my hardest to love like the bible says.. 

But a heart can only take so much..

I am blessedly human and I fail more than I care to admit.

But it scares me that I am hardening to others, because I try, and I worry that if it's difficult for me it's difficult for others too..

And if we let apathy win, then what will be the point?