Is it too much to ask?

I'm trying to get in the habit of writing. 

I would prefer to physically write in my journal but I don't like doing it when anyone is awake because I usually end up crying and I really don't like having an audience for that.

When I was house sitting for my aunt two weeks ago my mom read what I had written in my journal.. 

I was upset, not because I had anything private or secret in it, but I feel really foolish reading my own writing, (I really don't know why) and knowing that somebody else read it is nearly humiliating.

I think because it was written in desperation and complete despair and out was mostly just straight writing, it was very open.

But I really can't write in a book and expect somebody else not to read it, I just really didn't think anybody knew it existed..

She read it and told me that it made her cry the entire time, not because it was depressing, but because it was so real and simple to relate to. 

She told me that I should write a book..

There are a few things I can argue against this idea with. 

First, I have no idea how to organize my thoughts or even if I have enough to say to fill up a book. 

Second, It would possibly be one of the most boring and depressing books ever written. Not to mention I have no punctuation skills whatsoever, I pretty much make it up as I go along.

And third, who on earth would read it?

I don't know, I have thought about it a few times, but the only thing I feel compelled to write about is specific and I don't know how to be vague about the personal facts and still keep the story and the emotion without it being so descriptive of the others involved..

This whole writing thing is overall for my own benefit, I don't expect anybody else to read it or care, I simply need an outlet and I don't want my thoughts to just be words on a page in a pile of junk that nobody sees. 

I want to see myself as having valid opinions, and if I put it out in the world maybe somebody would agree.

I really wish that I saw myself differently than I do. 

I really don't like myself very much, I don't like the way I look in the background of photos. I don't like my voice when I hear it. 

I don't like my habits or attitude most of the time. 

I don't like the jumbled and hyperactive way that I think.

I really only see myself as a child still, annoying and something that other people tolerate when they have to associate with me..

Maybe it's true, but I wish that I wasn't so critical of myself..

When I think about it all I think it is my way of trying to cope with loss. 

The loss of love and friendship.

It's better to see reasons why people I loved turned their backs on me than to not have a reason at all. 

And by better I don't mean that it is comforting.. At all.  Its just better to think it's something I can change instead of thinking that everyone is a liar and will eventually leave, or worse still, that God is punishing me for some unseen reason.

Not that it hasn't crossed my mind that God is letting shit happen for no good reason, but I wasn't raised to believe that, and if I really thought  that was the case, I would give up on life. 

My one real comfort is that He has a plan that is better than anything I could even think up. 

A plan that is special for me. 

And out of all this will come a story that only proves His goodness and awesome creativity..

But the people.. 

The people who hurt others and lie are slowly eating away at my resolve. 

I hate seeing patterns but like I said yesterday, I'm starting to feel apathy replacing my love for people. And it is something that I think about so much that I stew and brood till I'm so irritated that the next thing that irks me gets sniped at.. 

I don't know what I can do about it. I mean, I  know that God is the one who can change me and all that, but I want to change my reactions..

I have probably heard my mom tell me to "take every thought captive" about one zillion times. 

And I really do that very often, but I think through what I could, would and should say, and then I'm too caught up in thinking about tacks the conversation could go off on that my mouth goes on auto pilot and negativity, snip, or something stupid comes out..

I don't know. 

I just want desperately to go to sleep and wake up new.  

Fresher and attractive and kind. With all the fruits of the spirit as my virtues.. 

To be confident and content. To have a clear vision of who I am and what I am working towards.. 

And for it to be noticed by everyone. And to come out on the other side of this so I can help others come out of it.

That's what I want.

It's that very much to ask?