Movie Night...

2 Days after La's graduation mom wanted to go to the movies.

My Dad is in town so they all wanted to see Star Trek.

So we got ready to go and left.

I was nervous because I don't like to go out in public but I wanted to go out with everybody and spend time with dad.

While we were driving, and about halfway there, I got this familiar twinge in my stomach.

This dark and heavy feeling and I wanted to turn around and go home.

It wasn't as clear as "DON'T DO THIS. IT'S A MISTAKE", but enough to feel that something was off.

That little voice the cricket sings about letting guide you.

I started to feel hot and panicky, and my heart started to beat faster than I wanted it to, so I forced it to the back of my mind and didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset anyone.

I wanted that to be a time to go out without being fearful and high maintenance.

I took off my glasses so that I could only see what was close to me. 

So I wouldn't recognize anybody even if they were across from me.

We got our tickets and went down the first hallway.

I looked at my feet the whole time, using the dingy carpet as my guide to the door.

When we got to our theater, Jeremiah opened the door for me and it was already dark so I decided that I was just being paranoid. Nothing was going to happen. 

I took my hands out of my cardigan sleeves- all sweaty from being balled up in my fists, and looked down and put on my glasses.

When I looked up you were 2 feet away and walking straight towards me.

You didn't look at me.

You looked through  me.

You walked straight towards me, then pushed in between Jeremiah and me and walked on by. 

I froze.

I wasn't 10 feet into the theater and you, someone I hadn't seen in 7 months, someone my heart was warning me was close, nearly walked straight into me and acted like I was invisible.

I was invisible.

My eyes swam and I turned to look at Laurel who was standing behind me, wide eyed and looking like she couldn't believe what had just happened.

I turned and ran.

I ran out of the theater and into the bathroom.

I was having a full blown panic attack and all I wanted was to get out and get away.

I couldn't catch my breath or stop the tears.

My mom came in and tried the "tough love" "go in and show him you're better than him" speech.

That she was tired of this and I needed to stop being afraid.

She wasn't helping. In fact it made me feel even worse.. 

She told me to go back in and ignore him and act like I didn't care... The problem was that I cared too much.

So I stood in the stall and cried into my sleeve, listening to a hundred girls walking in and out, whispering about the girl crying.

My sleeves were drenched.

The odds of us going to see the same movie, on the same day, at the same time, being sat in the same theater and walking through the same door at the exact same moment was so ridiculous that it made me sick to my stomach.

Erin picked me up and took me to meet Tabby.

I met up with her on a sidewalk in front of a restaurant and cried..

I told her everything and cried.

For the second time in front of people I didn't notice were there.

She took me back to her house and we talked all night long..

That is the last time I went to the movies.