Read..

I'm a reader.

I remember my mom sitting me down and trying to teach me how to read The Story About Ping, and I remember being so frustrated that I started to cry and wouldn't talk.

After that I wouldn't even try.

Until one night, I was laying in bed and there was a cardboard box and I suddenly thought that it said "Witch Hazel" in fancy cursive lettering.

I looked at those words every night for about 2 weeks thinking that was what it said, but not really having any idea if it really did. I finally asked my mom and she was so excited that I figured it out on my own.

Next I read every street and restaurant sign that I saw, asking if that one said "road work 50, does ft mean feet?" and if the sign with the panda said "Ming's Chinese Buffet, and does the T make a sound?"

I had a hell of a time learning how, but once I did I read everything.

I remember the first chapter book I read was Meet Felicity, and I was so proud.

And now I read.

And this summer I have read a lot. And the more I read the easier it has been for me to identify the feelings that I am feeling. To separate emotions into other emotions than just "Depression" or "Heartbreak".

I really didn't realize how much reading needed to be in my life until I unpacked our books.

Since then I read one and pick up another one.

Reading is better than real life.

I can be anywhere the character is and imagine myself standing right beside them, not looking over their shoulders, but in an ever present way. 

I can sit behind Scarlet and Grandma-Fontaine on the stairs and listen to them talk,

I can stand in the corner silently while Lisbeth works on her computer.

I find myself being very jealous of the characters, of their friendships, their adventures, especially the romance.

The love and good resolutions satisfy me mentally, but put me in an emotional funk.

The only consistent satisfaction is that even though the stories are fictional, everything happens for a reason and you see the result.

Whether the result  is superficial and just for the sake of moving the story along, or something that permanently affects the life of the character doesn't matter to me.

I relish the fact that I can see the resolution of the character because in my story I can only see my part, but in my books I can read how everyone involved is affected- I can watch the web that connects the lives and stories be spun. I can see the the decisions set off the dominoes tipping and pushing the last button of whoever was in the way and influencing their next move.

I can watch it all happen and be emotionally involved but it doesn't actually effect my world..

I don't need to control everything in my life, I just wish that I could see all of the details and mini-stories in the big picture when I step back and look down on it.

If I had been the one to create the way life worked, I would have made it so that people could step back and read their stories- see all of the intricacies.

But I didn't and its most definitely for the better.

God knows what he's doing, that's just something I would change if I could. 

My brain gets so bogged down and tangled up in the cris crosses of my thoughts that I don't see the facts for what they are, I see them the way that my overly critical mind tells me they should be seen.

I think that if I could give myself the option to be completely 100% logical, objective and void of all emotions, I would use it. 

I wouldn't use it to cheat or use it instead of giving other people compassion, I would use it when I was being to hard on myself.

My brain gets tangled up and wraps me up so tightly that I cant think clearly, and it doesn't matter because I have already convinced myself I was unsuitable for whatever it was and for whatever reason.

I don't know.